Redemption (The Volkov Mafia Series Book 4) Read online

  He holds the utmost respect in his words. I know he believes them with all of his being.

  “You don’t get it, do you? How could you? It’s not just the thought of Damien and Faith. What if what we have isn’t enough, Alek? What if I leave with you right now and in a couple of months you get bored, or even worse fall back in to gambling again? Then what happens to me? I would have nothing or no one. My parents aren’t speaking to me. Damien, Faith and you are all I have. If I was to walk away, do you honestly think I could just turn up and say, ‘hey, sorry it didn’t work out’, and take my place right back where I left off?” I hold nothing back. I turn to look at him now I have said my piece. His face is a mask of blankness and I can’t read his emotions. It’s as if he hasn’t heard a single word I’ve said.

  “Answer me god damn it, Alek!” I scold him like a petulant child.

  “You think you’re the only one with them fears? I wake up every damn day asking myself the same fucking question. Why is she here? Why is she still wanting me? She is too good for me. But do you know what I do instead of running from it, or trying to prove the questions that are threatening to take control of me? I vow to try harder to be what you need. I’m in this one hundred percent, I told you that, but I see that you’re not. So you’re right, I think it’s best if you don’t come with me. I think I’m not the only one who has demons they need to fight first. When you stop thinking that you are a whore and start wanting to accept the love that is waiting to be given, give me a call.”

  I’m sick to the back teeth of people telling me what I should be doing or how I should be feeling.

  “Don’t hold your fucking breath, Alek, as you will be waiting a long time. Just stop the car and let me out here.”

  In the time that has passed I don’t even realise we have been driving back towards the village. He pulls the car over, I unclip my belt and get out. I daren’t look at him. I slam the door so hard I think I might have just taken it off its damn hinges. He doesn’t get out, nor does he say anything as I start walking away. The only thing I hear is the sound of the engine as he drives off.

  I start the mile walk back to the house. Well that didn’t end how I thought it was going to. Since we brought sex into the mix we have had two major blow outs. I don’t think we will come back from this one. We both said some things that we shouldn’t have said, hurtful things. Before I got out of the car, you could cut the tension with a knife, and to make things worse I think I have just angered the bull going into the china shop. Shit, the fireworks that will happen now are only going to be my fault.

  This is why I stayed away from him. I was never worth the time or effort. He said it himself, I think of myself as a whore. Not worth the love of anyone now, let alone Alek.

  I don’t want to be like this. If I’d had I choice I would have ran away as fast as I could, but I didn’t. Do you not think if I had the choice I would have gone home with my parents, met a nice boy and got married, and had the stable home with the two point four children that society seems to think is normal? I would have had the nice house and the time to love my life, but I don’t. Instead, I’m coming back from being a sex slave, and the majority of the time I loved it. That’s what’s fucked me up. I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t seem to tell my body that at the time. My mind would shut down while my clit enjoyed being used and abused.

  This is why I can’t ever have normal, because normal to me now is just a fucked up version.

  I speed up a little, trying to get back to the house as quickly as I can. I don’t know what I can do to try and calm the situation, but I have to try. I’m not sure it would be welcome, and I might lose the only people that seem to give a shit about me.

  I have some money put away if I need to leave. And I will go if they want me to, but I won’t have Alek face this showdown alone. Everyone is against him. His addiction is not his fault. It is a condition that needs attention, an illness that needs the right course of treatment and the willpower to overcome it. But I learnt a long time ago, if you don’t have support then you won’t achieve it.

  How can you fight when there is no one left who believes in you?

  Chapter Fourteen

  Alekzander

  I’m so angry right now that I just want to break something. I drive through the town a lot faster than I should. If I slow down, though, I know I will turn this car around, go straight back to her and throw her over my shoulder, caveman style.

  I can’t believe that’s what she thinks, that I would get bored of her. How can you get bored of something you crave like the air you need to breathe? I pull up to the house. I need to get this over and done with quickly, grab some clothes and the little bit of cash I have stashed away, and get the hell out of this place. This family has brought me nothing but hell. My father first, and now Damien. I know that everyone thinks the sun shines out of his arse, but I know different. He has an agenda with everyone; nothing he does is without personal gain. Just like Viktor.

  I don’t doubt that he loves Faith and Anastasia with all his heart. His mother is kind and I’ve come to see that. After the attack she really did take the time to get to know me. That’s her nature though, she is one to care. It doesn’t matter how much she thinks she should hate you, she just can’t. From what I’ve heard, her life with Viktor wasn’t easy. To watch your son grow up and not be able to let him know that his own mother is with him every step of the way, that has to destroy a person.

  She helped me let go of the pain. None of us were to blame for what he did, so we made a silent truce that even though I remind her of a family she never knew that he had. She wouldn’t blame me for it. And although Lilly wasn’t the cause of Viktor leaving my mother and me, she showed me that I could let go of my hatred for her.

  I don’t knock on the door as I approach, I just walk inside. I know where I will find him so that’s where I go first – his office.

  I walk right up to the door and push it open. He is sat behind his desk. Malc is sitting on the other side. He looks pissed, that’s for sure.

  “Well look what the fucking cat dragged in.” I hear Malc’s comment but don’t rise to the bait. He’s not the one I need to be speaking to right now.

  “You have some nerve coming back here after what you have done.” Damien’s voice is raised slightly. I see the look of pure disgust on his face. It’s the same look he gave me after he came back from Russia.

  “I only came to get some of my stuff. I’m not here looking for a fight, Damien. I know your pissed at me and I understand, I really do,” I try to placate him.

  “If you understand then why the fuck did you do it again, after everything that happened the last time? Did you not learn? No, you wanted a fix so you went and borrowed money from Jonny Haynes. Him of all people. Then you couldn’t fucking pay him back. That’s what pissed me off the most. That instead of coming to me, you chose to go behind my back and put my family at risk again.” His words make sense, they do, but the family part really pisses me off. I’m supposed to be his family too.

  “Oh, and what would you have done? You don’t see it as a problem. You think I have a fucking choice? It’s a fucking addiction that you crave. That high feeling you get when you win, the power that it makes you feel, that’s something I never had growing up. I was always powerless to stop anything that happened to my mum or me. I had no choice but to go along with everything, until that one day when I won my first match. I was able to say how much I bet and on what hand. That’s what gave me power.” I look him straight in the eyes while I tell him. I’m not fucking scared of him. I won’t ever show I’m weak again.

  “So you put everyone at risk so you could feel like a big hard man with power, is that what your telling me? Because if you are, then that just makes you pathetic. You had a good life here after you got back from the clinic. I gave you a job, a purpose. But you had to go and throw it back in my face.”

  I can’t take his tone much longer. I feel my anger rise. My fists clench tight agai
nst my side.

  “You’re one of the main reasons why I started again, Damien. Since you got back from Russia, all you have done is give me the cold shoulder, blamed me for everything that has happened since, and I just couldn’t take it. I had no one to talk to about it, so I started the one thing I knew would help. Was it right? No, but I felt like I didn’t have another form of escape. Nowhere to hide from your words that wounded me so much.

  You had this perfect life that got handed to you on a plate.”

  I lose it, slamming my fist hard on his desk. Malc is out of his seat and behind me in a flash, ready to put a stop to the commotion that’s going on. At the end of the day he is Damien’s number one, so his main concern is Damien, nobody else. Right now I’m seen as a threat. One that needs to be dealt with as quickly as possible. Heaven forbid we do anything to smear the Volkov family name. We try to hide all the sins of our past.

  “You think I had a perfect life? That just shows what little you know. I ran from this world and it cost me Bella. I had to kill my father just because of what he did. Then I was left to pick up the pieces. All my life I followed in his shadow.” His words are said with pure pain and disgust at his actions. Maybe all is not black and white; there are definitely shades of grey.

  “Look, I don’t have to justify myself to you anymore. All I need is to grab some things and I will be on my way. I won’t be a burden to you anymore.” I turn around and head out of the office, but a hand grips hold of me tightly, trying to stop me. I don’t see who it is, nor do I care. I spin around and punch whoever it is in the face.

  The grip loosens and Damien flies back. The next thing I see is Malc restraining him, stopping him from coming after me.

  “You don’t get to turn your back on me, Alekzander. I brought you here, I saved your worthless arse. This is how you repay me? This isn’t over!” I hear Damien scream at me as Malc holds him back with sheer force. At one time this would have scared me, but right now with everything I’m feeling, I wish Malc would just let him go. Let him see how far he gets.

  “Get out of here, Alek. I can only hold him off for so long and now isn’t the time,” Malc demands. I only take note because of the look in his eyes, plus I hear the girls running down the hall. I turn to leave, but first I get my dig at Damien.

  “Nice to know that one brother is more important than the other.” I don’t wait for his reaction. I leave, walking towards my old room. I hear the office door slam as I walk up the stairs.

  “Alek ... Alek ... wait a moment.” I hear Faith coming after me, trying to gain my attention. I slow down and eventually stop. I don’t have a problem with the girls, they have done nothing but be kind to me. Taken me in when they didn’t have to.

  She catches up, coming to stand right in front of me. Her eyes look up to mine. They show a level of understanding, but also a hidden depth of pain.

  “Just give him time, Alek. He does love you, it’s just hard for him to let go of betrayal after everything that happened with Jake.”

  I know what happened. Everyone brought me up to speed, letting me know why the security checks were so tight now, that everyone who so much as looks at the gates to the property is vetted before they even step inside. This isn’t a house, it’s a fucking prison. When you have your family to think about I get it, but I was supposed to be family and look where that got me.

  “No he doesn’t, Faith. I’m the reminder of a past he can’t forget. Just let me get my things so I can be on my way.” I start to move past her, but she doesn’t budge.

  “What about Emma?” she asks. Her determined look says I’m not getting past without listening to everything she has to say. Truth be told, she holds more power than Damien ever will.

  “What about her? She was just a fuck. Nothing more, nothing less. Great while it lasted.” I try to sound like I don’t give a shit, hoping that she will think I’m not worth the effort. Her eyes whip past me and my stomach drops. I know without a doubt now that Emma is stood behind me. And she heard it all. FUCK!

  “Oh, so that’s all it was then, was it? Well I’m glad I found out sooner rather than later.”

  I don’t even turn to look at her, I don’t want to see the hurt on her face from my words. I hear her turn and leave. Her footsteps are thunderous across the floor. Her sobs are deafening in the air. I want to turn and follow, tell her I didn’t mean any of it, that I was just trying to get out of this house, but before I can, Faith stops me.

  “Don’t. Just let her go, Alek. I can’t believe you tried to say that. We all know it’s not true, and you’re only fooling yourself if that’s what you truly think.” She doesn’t hold back and she’s hit the nail on the fucking head.

  “What am I supposed to say, Faith? I’m no good to anyone, not worth the time or the effort. That’s what makes it worse; I don’t want to gamble, I really don’t, but I just can’t help it.” She nods in understanding.

  “You know, when I first met Damien I thought he was my knight in shining armor, but when we drifted apart and I found out what really happened, it was too late — I was already in love with him. He had his demons just like you do, but I didn’t run. I stayed and fought with him, helped him face what was keeping him awake at night, to rebuild himself to be the man he is today. I’m not saying he is perfect, Alek, far from it. But I know him. And once he calms down and realises that you need help, he will come through for you. He will be there for you, and not because he feels he has to, but because he wants to.”

  I wish I could believe what she is saying, I do. But part of me knows that I have gone too far this time.

  “I won’t ever be fixed, Faith. Please just let me leave. I need to figure this out on my own.” She nods and steps past me, letting me walk away.

  I close the door to my room and notice the laptop sitting on the desk. That thing has caused more trouble than it’s worth. I walk over to the desk, rip the power cable out of the back and launch it across the room. I don’t look to see where it landed, I don’t fucking care. It can be in bits and I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

  Opening the wardrobe door, I pull my holdall out of the bottom, opening it wide. I start filling it with clothes that are hung on the rail. Once I have taken what I need, I go to the drawers. I fill my bag to the brim with boxers, socks, t-shirts, and anything else I can see. Zipping it closed, I place it by the door.

  I grab my little stash from under my bed and place it in the pocket of the bag along with my passport and other documents.

  After all these months, all I have to show for being here is a bag no bigger than when I came. That speaks volumes to me. Surely if I ever did fit in, I would have more. Little trinkets and pictures.

  I grab the bag from the door and walk out never to return. This is the one walk I think I’m most looking forward to, not having to be in my younger brother’s shadow.

  I notice Emma’s door is open as I pass. I stop short when I see her curled up on the bed. She’s still sobbing and it hits me right in the chest. I caused that, yet again. I’ve lost someone I love. They all end up leaving me one way or another. You’d think I would be used to it by now, but I’m not. It hurts like a motherfucker.

  I slowly push the door open and step inside. I drop the bag and stride over to her.

  “Em, look at me, baby,” I say, my voice so thick with emotion I’m sure it’s not me speaking. She looks up at me from the bed. Her tear-streaked face looks beautiful.

  “Get the fuck out! You don’t have the right to call me that anymore. You lost it when you said I was just a fuck!” Her words can probably be heard all through the house. I walk closer but she backs up against the headboard. I stop dead.

  “You got it all wrong, Emma. I just wanted Faith to let me pass, to think that I didn’t care,” I say, begging for her to see reason. The look on her face says that I have only pissed her off more.

  “Oh is that right? Why are you saying this now? Come for a fuck before you turn your back on everyone?” She kneels up and puts
her hands under her top, pulling it over her head. “Well come on. This is all I am, a fuck, a whore who can be used anytime you see fit. You’re no better than the men that used me day in and day out. In fact, you’re worse. You made me think you cared.” She continues trying to take her clothes off and momentarily I’m distracted by the sight of her. She is fucking stunning. A perfect body, breasts that mold into the palm of my hands, a waist that is small but the right amount of curve that you could get lost in for days.

  “Put your fucking clothes back on, Em,” I say, trying to calm my raging hard on. I turn away from her while she grabs her top, putting it back on over her head.

  “So now what, I’m not even a whore who is worth fucking? You know where the door is, Alek, don’t let it hit you on the way out.” She is pissed and hurt; I can see it in the way she is trying to use anger as a defense, shielding her body from me. Is this what we have become in the space of a few short hours? Only this afternoon she was in my car, bringing me to the height of ecstasy, loving the feel of her body wrapped around mine.

  “Will you stop calling yourself a whore. You are not a fucking whore! What you went through was enough to destroy any person, but you came back fighting. I told you, I never meant what I said. If you can’t see that, then I’m not the only one who needs to sort their shit out, am I?” I don’t wait for her to reply. I turn on my heel, grab the bag from the foot of the door and walk away. I have to.

  I go downstairs, heading straight for the front door. I don’t need to say goodbye to anyone, they all know I’m leaving. As soon as I lost that Poker match my fate was sealed.

  “You walk out of that door, don’t ever come back, Alekzander Volkov. This family will no longer be yours. Your niece will grow up only having one uncle. You will lose it all.” His voice is cold; I know that tone, I have gotten used to it. Every day I would hear it. It would taunt my days. I was never worthy enough to earn his respect, only a burden that he couldn’t shake. It ends now. I will no longer be the weak sibling they think I am. I will come back from this stronger than ever before.